My horrible, wonderful, sad day.

Last week we lost my cousin Michael, at the entirely too young age of 42, to a massive heart attack. He left behind a wife, 4 kids aged 6 to 20, and 2 grandchildren. I can barely breathe when I think of him. I thought I was doing better, but as I type this I am literally crying at my desk. Again.   Yesterday was the service. It was a long, horrible day for everyone. But, for me it was also the first time that I have seen most of my family in several years. I had this vision in my head of how my “coming out" party was going to be – and this was not it.  

It was amazing and horrible at the same time. I was literally going through the receiving line and his parents and my cousins were all commenting on how I looked. Everyone kept saying really nice complimentary things, which just made me so much sadder. It felt so wrong to be happy every time someone complimented me, with this family in mourning around me, and this wonderful man gone.  

The rest of the day it felt like my surgery had become something of a gossipy item. Not meanly – not at all, just the “did you hear what Cherish did" kind of way. “What can you eat?" “You should stop losing now."     You know the drill.

It was further complicated by the fact that Michael’s wife had the same surgery several years ago. She has put back on some of her weight, not a lot, but I think people were trying to compare and contrast me with her.  

The one, funny side note I have is that not one, not two, but three of my relatives did not recognize me at first. Hugged and kissed at the viewing, and then hours later at the house each one came up and said how they totally did not know it was me until they saw me with my Mom. It was funny, but also a little sad too. I don’t think I look that different, especially not in the face. I don’t want to lose me. Okay, maybe it wasn't a funny side note.  

Thanks for listening guys. I’m definitely more of a lurker here sometimes, but please do know that I read the board every day and am so lucky I have all of you to share this with. I don’t feel like I can talk to my Mom right now about this. It feels too narcissistic. Know what I mean? Like somehow I’m making this about me. Which I am. Ugh. Here I go crying again.

From the queen of, "Its all about me", you are right where you need to be with all of this!  We are never prepared for these kinds of comments, and your coming outparty as you said was not as you would have wanted it - but there it was!  Firstly, sooooo sorry for your loss - it sucks at any age, but with such a life ahead, it is doubly challenging.  Cry all you need to!  Secondly, It actually might have helped those around you - being that it was so sudden and unexpected, people will deal with their grief in so many different ways - and you have given them some hope - that not all things are lost.  It is quite possible that you gave these VERY sad friends and family something to smile about that they really needed.  You certainly did.  So think of it like this, through this VERY sad and difficult time, YOU were the one who helped so many become slightly distracted and smile even if for a few moments!  Good for you my friend!  I soooo miss you!

Thank you Steffi, I hadn't thought of it that way. I hope you are right, that does help ease some of my guilt.
I miss you too! And, now I'm crying again. Lol. 

P.S. You still owe me Mah Jong lessons.

March is slowing down - I should have time - when ever you are ready to channel your inner jewish girl - I am ready! :)  We need four!

Oh Cherish, how sad for your family.  I understand the mixed emotions and feeling guilty for enjoying the compliments.  My younger brother died six weeks after I had my RNY, and he was 40.  Sixteen months later, my older brother died from the same thing, at the age of 56.  Loss is terrible, and having something good happen at the same time is confusing.

I will pray for your family, especially your nieces and nephews.

Hugs,
Trish

When my mom died last year many people came to the service who had not seen me since my surgery or even knew about it, and many were surprised and very complimentary. While losing my mother was obviously emotional for all of us, we knew she was dying and her quality of life was disappearing, so it wasn't a huge shock like losing your cousin - and while you're really never prepared to let go, it was almost a relief for us to know that she was no longer suffering or in pain.

But regardless of the cir****tances you're certainly not doing your cousin's passing a dis-service by accepting and feeling good about the compliments that came your way - and hey, for brief moments in an otherwise terrible, sad day, there were some bright spots for everyone.

Sending many hugs your way and prayers out to you and the family - Kathy

Oh Honey!

I was so in your place just last week when we buried my MIL!! It also was sudden but she was 78, had emphysema and was on oxygen. I totally understand your feelings on all the compliments you were getting. Fortunately for me I did not tell ANY of the family about my surgery, long story I will tell you another time! Both Steven and I lost alot of weight, me through surgery and Steven with colitis and me not having junk in the house!! I, too felt a bit guilty about smiling and feeling good about all the compliments, but then I realized that my MIL would have wanted me to smile through my pain of losing her. I guess a coping mechanism of sorts....

I got alot of similar compliments from people, saying how great I looked. One of my MIL's sisters said that I am half the person I used to be! She said that she only recognizes me by looking at my face! LOVE IT!!!!!

Was this a sad day for you and your family? YES. Where you uncomfortable getting all the compliments? YES. Was that just because of the cir****tances or that you are uncomfortable at getting compliments at all? Could be a bit of both....Give yourself a break and take all the compliments because you SO deserve them!!

I will call you later to talk....

LOVE YOU!!! So sorry for your loss....

Love, Beth

I ditto the other comments.  First and foremost I'm  so sorry for your loss.  Time will heal this wound and you will be able to think of him with a smile instead of tears. 

Second,  sometimes the diversion is a good thing for the morners.  It allows them to continue to 'live' and be in the present and take away from their sadness.
You should not feel guilty.  I'm sure your cousin would tell you the same.  :-)

Thanks everyone!! I told beth earlier, I feel better just having it all put down on "paper". Getting it out of my head really helped. The bonus, of course, was the kind words from you all.

Thank you again for your love and support.

Cherish, I'm so sorry about your cousin.  I think it probably helped your family to focus on you and your positive changes, even if you were uncomfortable.  It's a difficult time, but we need to remember to keep moving forward, and I think this probably helped everyone.

You made me think of something.  I lost a dear cousin at the age of 46.  After the funeral, we went back to her aunt's house to hang out.  My boyfriend had gone with me.  I remember looking down at his black pants and black shoes---and white sweat socks!  And all I could think was "oh dear Lord, I'm dating Archie Bunker!"

Try to smile when you think of Michael.